A Day in the Life of Palpatine
by millenium-writer
Summary: People live a busy life in the waning days of the Old Republic, and none more so than Supreme Chancellor Palpatine. But what really goes on during a typical day for this busy, old, evil schemer? Come take a look, and find out.


I'm going to shoot for something a little different from my last Star Wars fic. That one, for those of you who are interested, was about a clone commando squad. This fic is instead about Palpatine.

Those of you who read the title, instead of just randomly clicking your screen, will know where I'm going with this one. It's a day in the life of Supreme Chancelor Palpatine.

He's a fairly busy guy, so, some scenes will be omitted. Also, this fic has been edited for content, obscene visuals, and is close captioned for the hearing impaired.

Don't thank about that last one too hard.

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**Palpatine: One day at a time.**

7:00 AM - Wake up, get up.

Palpatine let out a huge yawn and sat up, staring blearily around his bedroom. After a few moments of trying, the tiny engine in his brain finally turned over, and he slid out of a bed expensive enough to put fifty thousand starving artists through the best five-year liberal arts course Alderaan could provide.

"Hate that planet." Palpatine mumbled as he fussed with the covers for a moment. "Wanna just blow it up someday."

7:05 AM - Stagger to the bathroom, brush teeth.

Around a mouthfull of frothy black foam, Palpatine muttered and griped about the need for a 'kindly' old Chancelor to have pearly white teeth. He spat, and inspected himself in the mirror. "Good, good... When I turn this little crap-galaxy into my personal playground, the first thing I'm going to do is put up posters of myself with _really_ nasty teeth." He snapped shut the top of Sith-dent toothpaste and rinsed his toothbrush. "And I'll make them a hundred feet tall!"

7:10 to 7:15 AM - Laugh like a maniac. Then shower.

8:00 AM - Dry off. Also, decide to get a waterproof radio for the shower, so reportings of various atrocitys can be listened to while bathing.

8:00 AM - Still trying to figure out what to wear.

"The official robes do make me look impressive... But the black Sith robes make me look evil, and, they are comfy."

8:05 AM - Realize that 'Chancelor Palpatine' has a meeting with the Jedi council in five minutes.

"!"

8:06 AM - Scream and swear. A _lot._

8:07 AM - Dress in a mad flurry.

8:08 AM - Dash to the elevator.

8:09 AM - Realize that, by mistake, the Sith undergarments were grabbed by accident.

8:09.10 AM - Panic.

8:09.20 AM - Wonder if there's enough time to dash back and change them.

8:09.30 AM - Realize that those ego-centric Jedi are way too confident in their own skills and superority. Also, too uptight to ever bother checking something like that.

8:09.40 AM - Have a good laugh about that one.

8:09.50 AM - Heave a sigh of relief.

8:10 AM - Stride into the Chancelor's office like you own the place. Because you _do_.

8:10.15 AM - Greet the Jedi fools politely.

"Master Windu, Master Yoda, how good to see you this morning. I do hope nothing is the matter." Palpatine seated himself at his desk, in his opulant, throne-like, extremely _expensive_ chair.

8:10.20 AM - Remember to promote whoever it was who decided to put crappy little chairs in for the Chancelor's visitors. Then have him killed, he's too clever.

"Chancelor." Mace Windu bowed his head very slightly. "There has been some troubling losses at the frontlines recently. We are here to discuss shifting troops from less vital areas to compensate."

8:10.40 AM - Also, remember to _personally_ kill Windu.

"Master Windu, I assure you, every effort is being made to allocate troops to the _most vital_ planets in need of Republic protection. But, I must also assure you that several high-ranking military commanders have advised me to bolster the ranks of the planets in question that you seek to withdraw the men from."

Smiling sadly, Palpatine spread his arms a little. "We can only assume that these loyal and experienced men see something coming that neither of us is in position to clearly understand. I must also add, that I implicitly trust their judgement, and say that we simply must wait to see when this threat will unveil itself."

8:11 AM - Cackle inwardly after showing that smug Jedi baldy who's boss.

8:11.05 AM - Twist the screws a little.

"If you wish, Master Jedi, you I _could_ arrange for the fast transport of some of your more capable Jedi to the front lines, if you believe that they would be able to help." Smiling unsurely, Palpatine looked away from the two Jedi Masters. "Though, I would understand if you were not willing to risk losing more of your Jedi in a hopeless cause."

8:11.50 AM - Look like a kicked puppy.

"Chancelor Palpatine, send Jedi to help, we shall." Master Yoda furrowed his green, lined little brow. "Leave innocents to suffer, we cannot."

8:12 AM - Look releaved, but inside, dance and cackle like a madman.

"Master Yoda, I, and the Republic, owe you and your Jedi a great debt. One I fear we can never repay." Smiling kindly at the Jedi, Palpatine stood, and gestured towards the door. "I am so sorry to be rushing you out like this, but I have a meeting with the Republic Treasurer. Someone has to figure out a way to squeeze the budget."

The Jedi Masters rose, bowed, and slowly made their way out of the office.

8:13 AM - Plan to add a few more hundred foot statues around the Palace when the Republic is thrown down.

8:15 to 9:00 AM - Sit through dull meetings about the budget. Decide which planets to have blockaded by the Seperatists. Pretend to struggle with the moral implications, then cut off important shipments to said planets. Arrange to have 'Pirates' attack the shipments as they are turned back. Arrange to have those 'lost' funds transfered to private accounts.

9:01 AM - Plot ways to spend the cash.

9:02 to 10:00 AM - Sit through dull meeting with Senators complaining about the war. Pretend to give a damn about peace. Lie about sending diplomats to try to broker said lame peace.

10:05 to 10:30 AM - Get list of decent, reputable, Senators and various good people, who are a bother to the coming regime. Have them killed, then make it look as if they were sent as diplomats to broker peace with the Seperatists. Blame the pawns for it all.

10:31 to 11:00 AM - Arrange for state memorials to those poor souls who gave their lives for peace. Start various charitys in their names for war orphans and the like. Secretly arrange to have those orphans kidnapped and trained to be loyal servants of the new Gaclatic Empire.

11:05 AM - Decide to have some of the orphans killed. Just for show.

11:30 AM - Blow off meeting with Bail Organa, and Padme Amidala. Head for an early lunch instead.

12:52 PM - Remember that Darth Tyranus was supposed to call an hour ago.

12:58 PM - Dig through desk drawer back in office for the Sith hotline.

1:04 PM - Still looking.

1:07 PM - Call from Carl Dworku or whoever. Let it go to voicemail.

1:10 PM - Realize it was actually _Count Dooku_. Swear loudly, and check voicemail.

1:15 PM - Call Dooku back. Deal with whining.

1:25 PM - Move plans to replace Dooku with new apprentice ahead.

1:30 PM - ... Ahead by a _year_.

1:35 PM - Get sick of listening to Dooku prattle on. Pretend Jedi are walking in, hang up.

1:36 PM - Have a good laugh at that sucker's expense.

1:36.30 PM - Pretend evil laughter is just a bit of a cough. Lie and convince that whiner Skywalker that it's just age, or something.

1:45 PM - Rethink plans to make Skywalker new apprentice after listening to him whine about Obi-wan.

2:00 PM - Blah blah blah Jedi. Blah blah blah Master. Blah blah blah Obi-wan. Blah blah blah Tusken Raid- wait, what?

2:05 PM - Listen with rapt attention.

2:15 PM - Look down at palm of hand.

2:15.05 PM - Notice how Skywalker fits nicely into said palm.

2:15.10 PM - Give him a little wave. Hello down there.

2:18 PM - Dispense old man wisdom. The kind of crap that only young, trusting little suckers like him would buy.

2:19 PM - Try not to throw up from all this emotional crap.

2:20 PM - Still trying.

2:45 PM - Shouldn't have had Corellian for lunch.

3:11 to 4:30 PM - Another stupid bunch of meetings about war and peace and garbage like that.

4:45 PM - Add a few dozen more senator's names to the list.

5:00 PM - Listen to more voicemail. Bump up the plan to sack Dooku by another year. At this rate, he'll be dead even before the war is over.

5:19 PM - Get fed up, cancel meeting Alderaan civic representitive about holding peace talks there.

5:20 PM - Realize that it's the second time Organa has gotten the shaft today.

5:25 PM - Have a good laugh about that one.

5:30 PM - Kick off early.

6:59 PM - Stupid traffic.

7:00 PM - Miss opera.

7:03 PM - Lose it.

7:09 PM - Arrange to have Seperatists attack Coruscant during rush hour. Teach all those morons a lesson or two.

7:14 PM - Have a good laugh about that one too.

7:20 PM - Think of a more snappy name for army in the future. Clone troopers just doesn't cut it when it comes to inspiring fear.

7:23 PM - Death troopers? Naaah, too predictable.

7:30 PM - Get home, order out for dinner.

7:45 PM - Throw hood over head. Make some 'business' calls. Lower voice and draw out words to sound more menacing.

7:49 PM - Throw in 'good, good' a few times, just to be safe.

8:00 PM - Dinner's late.

8:09 PM - Make a couple more calls. Mock Nemodians openly. What're they gonna do? Cower menacingly?

8:19 PM - Kill delivery boy. Plan to have take out place burned to the ground for their stupid 'half-hour quik and speedy delivery' promise. Also, kill the marketers for thinking that mispelling quick with a K to be funny was acceptable.

8:40 PM - Watch the news and finish eating. Laugh at all the 'horrors' of war. Try not to choke on dinner.

9:00 PM - Throw clothes into laundry. Shower up and pine longingly for that waterproof radio.

9:30 PM - Brush and get into black jammies.

9:40 PM - Snuggle down into baby-blue sheets. They were on sale.

9:45 PM - Finish setting alarm. Fantasize about smacking that green little troll of a Jedi around.

9:47 PM - Have a good laugh about that one.

9:50 PM - Get another call from that whiner Anakin. Let it go to voicemail.

9:55 PM - Yet another call from the whiner. Voicemail.

10:00 PM - Call. Voicemail.

10:05 PM - Toy with the idea of making Obi-wan Kenobi new apprentice instead. Much less whining that way. Also, fewer calls _going to voicemail!_

10:10 PM - Slam pillow down over the damn noisemaker. Use arm for pillow.

10:30 PM - Finally get to sleep.

11:45 PM - Sense a disturbance in the Force.

11:46 PM - Just gas.

11:50 PM - Open window and go back to sleep.


End file.
